Knockout cup round 2: Hatchets cleave school children

Written by Michael Gibney

The Herston Hatchets have started their FA Cup campaign in inspired form, demolishing Colleges United 8-3.

Winter had sent out its first chorionic villi, and there was a general chill on the air as the game began.  Alex was watchful as ever in defence, and braved the cold weather with the use of some audacious leggings.  Additionally, the team donned rainbow coloured laces to symbolise their full support of Rainbow Six Siege Las Vegas™.

It didn’t take long for the Hatchets to propel into the lead.  Collin’s well maintained semitendinoses launched him past the hapless defence.  A lateral cross found Moonie Singh who was waiting at the right iliac fossa of the six yard box, and was able to tuck the ball away into the epigastric region of the goals. Everyone was impressed by the team play, besides bench manager Tej Sidhu, who was critical of the College’s defence and thought Collin got lucky.

Only moments later the Hatchets lead was consolidated, with Collin again dribbling past the Colleges’ right back and crossing the ball into the box.  This time, the ball found Trey right on the talus and he was able to put the ball deep into McBurnies point.

The crowd (thankyou to Natalie, Conor and the other girl for the support) cheered as the Hatchets went up 2-0, except for Tej, who thought it was “really poor defence and a filthy goal”.

In a display of generosity typical of the Hatchets, some good offensive work saw the Hatchets concede two goals before half time. Tej thought that Colleges strung together a few “really nice passes” and displayed some “raw skill” to put two away. Always quick to react, the Hatchets changed their 1-1-8 field back to 4-4-2, and the flow of goals against them quickly dried up.

Finally taking the field, some questionable offside calls by the referee caused bench manager Tej to lose his cool, but the ensuing death threats fell (luckily) on deaf ears. They don’t call us the Hatchets for nothing.

Taking inspiration from the fire of Tej Sidhu, some quality finishes from Gibney, Edey, McHale and Nick Rigby saw the Hatchets get away to 8-3 in the second half. The win comes at a good time for the Hatchets, who can now look forward to being reunited with loved ones after Emperor Graves held them hostage during the week.

With their sister team, the Rusty Hatchets also victorious in their game against the Titans, the FA Cup is heating up to a potential derby showdown. Betting odds are set at $1.80 for a Hatchets victory, $1.01 that George will take a shot from more than 30m out, and $1.10 that Rigby will get confused and try to score for both teams.

Tickets are still available.

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Rabble Rusties Topple Titans

The Rusty Hatchets recorded a famous Cup win on Friday night. Despite going into the game as rank outsiders, the Rusties put in a backs-to-the-wall performance to come out on top, and go through to the second round.

Two hours before kickoff, it was looking unlikely that the Hatchets would even be able to field a team, let alone compete. Some last-minute logistical errors from elder statesman Simon Bennet, who claimed to have ‘forgotten to pick his car up from the mechanic’, was bad news for Simon, Jason and Nick P, but good news for Uber. Ultra Tune Windsor spokesman Lance responded in a prepared statement that ‘we have never heard of Mr. Bennet, and we certainly wouldn’t let him forget his car here’.

Even once the team had assembled at GJ Greenfield Park, pundits were giving the boys from Herston little chance of causing a ‘Cupset’ (that’s cup upset for you poms out there). Many will remember the 4-2 win to Titans when these two teams met in pre-season only three weeks ago. To make matters worse, the Hatchets only had 11 players, compared to a full bench of 7 from their opponents. The excuse of mid-sem exams the next morning has been raised by some players, however this was dismissed out of hand by team whip Jack Gilpin, saying ‘the team should always come first’. Jack refused to reveal his GPA.

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The team lined up in 4-4-2. Australia’s Dutch 4-3-3 revolution has yet to reach CJ Greenfield Park.

In team news, Mitch made his debut in goals. This was controversial in some quarters due to his lack of medical connection, however Mitch states that “I’ve always considered myself a doctor of the classroom.”

Titans started out on top, with their traditional approach of chipping the ball over the top for a fast striker almost paying dividends. However, some smart sweeping from Mitch avoided the assured calamity of conceding an early goal. The Rusties made the smart decision to drop much deeper, and force the Titans to actually play through them. This worked quite well since it turns out the Titans actually aren’t good enough to do that.

At half time it was 0-0. The best chances of the first half had fallen to Jack, who had a shot well-saved. But it was the Hatchets that came out firing in the second half, just when they should have been tiring, with no substitutes available.

Some early pressure and several half chances finally came to something in the 54th minute when a good run by Nick R down the right created space for Jason in the middle. Jason tapped the cross home and wheeled away in celebration. It was his first goal in a competitive game for the Hatchets and one he will surely remember for days or even weeks.

Ten minutes later, it was a similar story. Nick’s good run sucked in several defenders, and Jason finished sweetly into an empty net. At 2-0, it was now the Hatchets’ game to lose. They sat back even more, allowing the Titans to push up and create space at the back.

As regular readers of will know, this situation is what Nick Rigby thrives on. He once again broke away down the left in the 76th minute. Just when it looked the defence had reset and the chance was gone, one of the defenders made the strange choice to roughly tackle him from behind with his back to goal right on the edge of the box. The referee pointed to the spot, and Simon tucked it straight down the middle to make the score 3-0.




The game was basically over at this point. Titans scored a consolation goal with a nice chip, but it made little difference to the final outcome. The Rusty Hatchets will be delighted with their strong defensive performance, and will be looking to take that momentum into the next game on April 21.

The draw for the round of 16 in the cup has yet to be announced, but Rusty Hatchets supporters will be hoping for a big ticket tie against the other Hatchets team.

By Simon

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Round 1: Hatchets fend off Many Blacks

The Herston Hatchets ™ have started off their season in a commanding fashion after downing the Mullybrydale Many Blacks 2-1 last Friday.

The team was keen to get their season off to a good start, with supreme leader Graves threatening to exile our families in the event of a defeat. With this in mind, the Hatchets ventured out onto the hallowed turf of CJ Greenfield Park full of anticipation and fear.


The early moments of the game were unusual for the Hatchets, who were accustomed to having their legs taken from underneath them by 30 year old tradesmen. Indeed, the sportsmanlike behaviour of the opposition left the Hatchets confused and disoriented and they were forced to repel some good attacks from the Many Blacks.

Eventually, team utility Michael Gibney expertly curled an absolute zinger off the defender and into the bottom corner. I’ve seen some gems in my time, but this one really takes the cake. It was definitely a deliberate shot on goal and definitely not a cross, and it definitely was on purpose and skillful that it went in.

As the first 45 minutes drew to a close, the opposition rallied and strung together some good passes, which allowed the Many Blacks striker to smash in an equaliser off the half volley.

With the teams tied 1-1 at half time, the game hung in the balance. Although Coach Graves tried to lift the team with an inspired speech, what spurred the Hatchets on was the arrival of players from their sister team, the Rusty Hatchets. Seeing such a strong show of support from their comrades lifted the team onwards and upwards and the Hatchets came out firing in the second half.

The relentless attacks were compounded by some hard running, and it was clear mid-way through the second half that the Hatchets were the fitter of the two teams. Also the other team had ten men and no bench.

Eventually, the Hatchets were rewarded for their persistence, with new player Sam Grace(fully) slotting a header into the back corner. Alex no longer looked so Grave and the team began to Moonie Singh, as the win was all but aSjorsed.

Frustrated by the submission of a second goal, with 15 minutes to go the Many Blacks initiated a new playstyle, one that had been crafted from the 2005 WWE Wrestlemania game for Xbox. The best on the Many Blacks team at stringing together combo moves, the 6’4″ opposition striker managed to pull-off a finisher on Hatchets 5’3″ midfielder Georges Mehawed. This move was akin to the Undertaker’s tombstone, and was in fact so well executed that the referee gave a bonus penalty to the Many Blacks, whilst calling an ambulance for Georges.


Re-creation of Many Black’s striker tackling Hatchets midfielder Georges Mehawed. Penalty was awarded to Many Blacks striker.

The win could have been all the sweeter, with the Hatchets playing through the Many Blacks new style to create myriad opportunities to expand the lead in the last ten minutes. A glorious play by Donald Chang into the box gave Collin Greer an open shot on goal. However, as he was about to slot the ball in, the light of the moon reflected sharply off Bjorn’s bald dome, and threw the midfielder off balance, causing him to miss an easy opportunity to put the game to bed.

Thus the game ended in a 2-1 victory for the Hatchets, who were contented at their opening round performance.

Written by: Michael Gibney

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UQLS pick up headliner for tri-faculty tournament


Breaking story: Hatchets Press™ managed to get a quick Skype interview with none other than Manchester United player Zlatan Ibrahimovic this morning. When we questioned Mr. Ibrahimovic about the upcoming Hatchets v. UQLS game (Zlatan would not talk about UQES), he had this to say,

“Yes, I am the Zlatan. I am the perfect man [Zlatan laughs]. For certain any football game without the Zlatan is nothing to watch. It is clear that we will win.”

Mr. Ibrahimovic then went on for some time about how he once ‘nutmegged’ Zeus in a pick-up game.

One thing is clear however, and that is that UQLS have used their immense budget from L-card sales to rent the Swedish Zlatan from Manchester U. for their epic match up this Thursday.

Alex Graves, Hatchets coach, manager, goal keeper, gardener and leading goal scorer, said in response to the rumours,

“Yes we are aware of the situation with Zlatan Ibrahimovic. We have, however, had Tim Cahill on speed dial for a number of years in case this sort of thing happened. If the allegations turn out to be true, we will be making a special call first thing Thursday morning”.

One thing is for certain, the Tri-faculty tournament this Thursday is heating up. It is not one to be missed. Come down to field 3 at UQ (St Lucia) at 4pm Thursday 30 March, and watch the Hatchets v. UQLS v. UQES. There will be a BBQ.

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Hatchets season starts with a stutter

With the year starting to cool down, exam dates looming, clinical practice assessments unyielding and Nick “the raging bull” Rigby entering the final phase of his fitness training, the 2017 Hatchets squad is fit, strong and ready for the 2017 season. The squad were scheduled for a grading match last Friday, 17 March, which was unfortunately washed out due to a last-minute typhoon that gripped Richlands, leaving the rest of Brisbane dry. Some members of the squad did, however, have a session at the Pig and Whistle in-lieu of this wash-out, which allowed the Hatched press™ to spend time with the new squad.

The new Hatchet coach, goal keeper, manager, fitness trainer, sports psychologist and motivational speaker, Alex Graves, seemed to have the boys in top form for the Friday night showing.

“Yeah we’d been preparing to face Colleges (the scheduled opponents) since our match with them last year where we only won six to zero. Our performance at that game was atrocious and realistically speaking anything less than ten nil at our next meet up would be unacceptable for this squad,” said Mr. Graves.

Reports say that the new high-performance Hatchets squad was seen doing high-altitude training at Falls Creek, Victoria, over the Christmas break in preparation for this match. This was much to the chagrin of the new American first-year pickup Collin Greer, who missed this high-altitude training due to his intense USMLE studying program despite not having started first year yet. Collin, who was hoping to make up for this missed training with a big performance on Friday night, left us with this about the wash-out,

“Yeah look I’m pretty disappointed we didn’t get a showing on Friday. I had scheduled time off from USMLE on Friday morning to pre-wax my pecs for the game, and my beautician doesn’t let people cancel on less than 48 hours notice”.

We had a quick chat with the Hatchets premier utility player and drinks captain, Michael “I play utility” Gibney, and he had this to say about his fitness moving into the new season.

“I feel like I can be of more utility to the Hatchets this year after my new off-season programme. I’ve been running up to 10 miles a day and limited my drinks-captain training to only 6 schooners of Tun a day.”

One of the most mentally impacted players, despite playing for the Rusty Hatchets squad and not actually being rostered on Friday, was the 2016 Hatchet’s coach, Simon Bennet, who had been ‘practicing [his] back heels all week’ in the off chance he was called on for the big game.

Georges Mehawed was similarly dispirited about the wash-out, having planned his Hatchets comeback for two years after an unfortunate knee injury during pre-season training in 2015.

“I’ve been preparing for this match for almost two years now – of course I’m pissed off that Colleges didn’t want to play just because of a little bit of rain and torrential winds. The Hatchets have been begging for a holding midfielder for two years and I’ve never been fitter. The time is now.”

Despite last week’s disappointment with the wash-out, we hope the Hatchets can carry their fine reported form into their up-coming grudge match against the UQ Law Society and the UQ Education Society on the 30th March. Don’t miss out on this exciting exhibition match at UQ Field 3, starting at 4pm, where we can see the payoffs of the Hatchets’ gruelling off-season training.

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2017 Season


Changes are afoot at the Hatchets. Season 2017 is shaping up to be a belter. Here’s what you need to know:

    • ‘The Herston Hatchets’ is the more competitive team, run by Alex. Training on Wednesdays. Playing in Div 1, Friday nights.
    • ‘The Rusty Hatchets’ is more social, run by Simon. Training optional but free to join in with the A team on Wednesday nights. Playing in Div 2, Friday nights.
  • Home ground: Brisbane Force FC, CJ Greenfield Park, Richlands
  • League: SEQ Community Football ( This is a more professionally run league than QIF, with a higher standard of football. There are also 3 Friday night divisions so we’ll have fewer blowouts. Runs April – September including 22 regular season games, a finals series, and a knockout cup.
  • Tri-Uni Med Cup vs Bond Uni and Griffith Uni, in October on the Gold Coast. Doubles as our end of season weekend away.
  • Brisbane Inter-Hospital Cup in November
  • Annual friendly vs UQ Law
  • Intra-Hatchets State of Origin Game
  • Cost: $300
    • Includes league registration, ref fees, your own playing kit with name + number (or new training kit for returning players that already have kits), formal end of season awards night and several other catered functions throughout the year.
  • Trials: Feb 12 4pm at UQ Field 3 (main UQ soccer field by UQ Lakes). We’ll also be having Sunday pickup games at UQ until then – message us on Facebook to get on the mailing list (
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Brisbane Inter-Hospital Cup

Well done to all the team who competed in the Brisbane Inter-Hospital Cup on the weekend. Despite being unfairly excluded from the final by the cruel doctors for the crime of being ‘younger, fitter and better than us’, the team rallied well to take home the Plate for 3rd prize.

UQ 1 drew PA 1 (Simon 22′ pen)

UQ 2 def. TPCH 0 (Trey 16′, Nick R 22′)

UQ 2 def. GCUH 0 (Nick B 8′, Trey 31′)

The team are now off on a well-deserved summer break. Trials for next year will be held in late January, so keep an eye out on the UQMS page for more information. There will be two teams next year to give everyone a chance of pulling on a jersey for the mighty Hatchets.

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