Intra-club ‘Unfriendly’ Ends In General Frivolity At Clubhouse

“To conquer one’s enemies, one must first conquer one’s comrades”

  • Karl Marx

Mike G reporting on an enthralling Friday night fixture.

The Hatchets’ bye gave the premiership contenders the perfect opportunity to test their mettle against their most formidable opponents yet – themselves.

The intra club friendly took place on last Friday at the Hatchet’s home ground (obviously).  As is an ancient Aussie tradition, teams were divided in a manner suggestive of subtle racism and classist undertones, with the QLD/WA (Red Team) locals facing off against state foreigners (Blue Team), or ‘boat people’ as QLD captain Steve Cecchi called them.    It was decided, for no reason at all, that the game would be played in three 30 min thirds, instead of the traditional 45 min halves, even though they both add up to 90 minutes anyway so that doesn’t really make any sense, does it?

Tensions were low as players lined up for the National Anthem, followed by Ke$ha hit ‘Tic Tok’. Drinks Captain Tom Knowlman™’s little brother, hereafter referred to as Sir!, blew the whistle to get the game underway.

The game was played in a friendly and jovial manner, with both parties enjoying the hit out. However, in the 20th minute, Hatchet’s leading goal scorer, Nick Bigby, decided to ruin the fun by scoring a boring goal in the same way he always does.  Because the goal was so rubbish, Blue Team argued it should not count towards the final score-line.

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Adam I on the ball for QLD. This photo was taken with a long shutter speed to intentionally make it blurry so that the speed of play is emphasised. It’s art.

Rigby’s vexatious act spurred the Blue Team into action, with a series of surgical passes leading to an equaliser early in the second period of play.

The Blue Team’s celebrations were cut short soon after when Dan Edey took a run up the wing and crossed it back into the box to that guy who was filling in for the Red Team. It was clearly offside but Cecchi had obviously bribed Sir! with promises of his famous Dolmio Spaghetti Bolognaise should he hand the match to the Red Team, so the goal was allowed.

Match fixing aside, the rest of the second term was played on the Blue Teams terms.  Gibney was prolific in the midfield/forward/backline during this time, and his unmatched running a prowess on the ball lead another goal for the Blue Team.  He really is terrific and should definitely be selected for this week’s game against Annerley.

At the end of the second term the score was 2-2. Both teams were exhausted, and it was up to the respective captains to inspire their teams towards victory.

“C’mon boys,” said Blue Team captain Simon Bennet, “we can do this.  Just remember the time I scored a back heel goal.  How inspiring was that?!!”.

Bennet’s rousing speech clearly fell on deaf ears, as Blue Team were blown away in the third term.  Adam I. rocketed the ball in from outside the box, which careered back of the post.  With luck in keeping with goal keeper Alex Graves’ season, the shot rebounded back of his supero-lateral left buttock into the goals.

Tired legs meant the game opened up in the last ten minutes, with the Blue Team pushing for a late equaliser.  This offensive mentality exposed holes in defence, leading to another boring Rigby goal of no consequence.

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The two teams settle their differences. The players were intentionally backlit to make their faces dark. It’s a photography effect look it up mate. This is also art.

Although the score line read 4-2 in favour of QLD/WA, the real winner in the end was comradery because we’re all just mates, really.  In a display of friendship that would make Pauline Hanson proud, the locals forced those from abroad to buy them beer, thus maintaining the rampant alcoholism errant in the Australian sporting sphere.

By Mike G

The Hatchets will be back in action this Friday night against Annerley FC in a top of the table clash.

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