Hatchet’s Bulletin!

Three weeks of football have gone by in the blink of an eye. While many med students (like this reporter) have been laying low on their inter-rotation break, the Herston Hatchet’s have been hard at work putting balls in the goals and points on the board. Here are the bulletins for all die-hard Hatchet’s fans to catch up on the latest Med Football news:

Hatchet’s Bulletin:

  • Hatchets are robbed by Brisbane All Stars 3-2 [Loss]
  • Doping allegations surface for Hatchets forward Collin Greer
  • Herston Hatchets defeat Acacia Ridge Elite Blue 5-2 [Win]
  • Coach Graves replaces Darius Kay with a literal golem
  • Hatchets defeat Acacia Ridge MBC 5-0 and secure third on the table [Win]

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Hatchet’s are robbed by Brisbane All Stars 3-2

May began with the Hatchets team showing a rare lapse in form at their home field of [Logan]. The Hatchets showed up with a strong first half against the young guns Brisbane All Stars, with Hatchet’s star 20m sprinter Collin Greer getting into the game early. The hatchet’s trademark wing domination was in full effect, with Greer obtaining possession in the 15th minute on the left, stepping inside and firing a right footed cross to the back of the opposition box. The far end of this rainbow found a pot of gold in Sam Grace’s boot, cruising gently under the goal keeper and putting the Hatchet’s up early. The lead was then consolidated again by Greer, as he slotted a free kick outside the box straight over the keepers head. Despite this spike in form by forward Greer, the Hatchets were not able to hold up throughout the game.

Recent problems amongst the ranks of the Herston eleven have seen breaks seep into both midfield communication and passing game. This has left the team found wanting against teams with a skilled midfield. Brisbane All Stars showed their hand in this manner, with a dominant performance from their forward mid, who, being much faster than he looked, generated space behind the box on almost every play. This found Hatchet’s Keeper Graves in several one-on-one situations and allowed the All Stars to deliver three striking goals in the second half, all from within the box. It was the first loss of the season for the Hatchets and a telling one for the areas where the squad needs to improve.

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Doping allegations rock the Hatchet’s foward line

Despite the Hatchet’s recent slump in form, one player has come into form in a drastic way and as such has come under heat  as doping allegations come to the surface. Known for his blistering runs and 20-hour a day USMLE study program, a tipster has alerted the SEQ Friday Football league that Collin Greer may not be au naturel.

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File photo of Hatchet’s USA College pickup, Collin Greer

“Have you seen the boy run?” said the tipster. “It’s like watching a pit bull running towards a family picnic while also studying microbiology, physiology and pharmacology all at once! It’s not right I tell you.”

While the tipster’s credibility is being confirmed, counter-intelligence has noted several phone calls to the league from Hatchet’s bench warmer Matthew Youssef. Greer is under investigation however it is likely the controlled substances he has been caught with while in transit are his study aids, Adderall and Modafinil.


Herston Hatchet’s defeat Acacia Ridge Elite team

In light of the allegations against him, Collin Greer has continued to perform for the Hatchets in recent times. May 11th saw the boys take on the Acacia Ridge Elite Blue side at the Spanish Karaoke Club; a grudge match from 2016 at the team’s favourite party venue. The Hatchets were undermanned in this game, as most of the third-year medical students had disappeared for their one-week break. However – showing great promise for the future of the side – the newer Hatchets roster established their position within the team, stomping a dominant victory against the Acacia side.

Going down 2-0 at half time, the Hatchets were somewhat befuddled, lapsing to their weakness in the middle of the pitch. However it was at this point that Greer decided to do something, or take something, or something, and turn the game around. Within 20 seconds of the second half, he had scored twice, bringing the game to two-all. Not content, the Hatchet’s forward decided to dribble past the entire Acacia side once again, this time running the ball into the goal after doing a wicked spin past the goal keeper. A dominating show from the totally legitimate forward.

Two follow-up goals put the final score to 5-2, in favour of the men in red.

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Coach Graves replaces Darius Kay with a literal golem

With the Hatchets pulling a necessary victory to maintain good footing on the ladder, in mid-May the teams coach, overlord, and benevolent leader Alex Graves decided it was time for a small tweak in the team’s forward line-up. Darius Kay, the Hatchet’s new holding-forward, has been a consistent and effective striker this season. A high-powered 6-foot-2 diesel powerhouse, Kay has been imposing himself in the Hatchet’s side as a linchpin for receiving balls in the box and distributing on the counter-attack.

However, coach and solipsistic leader Graves made a shock decision last week to trade Darius to the Wednesday league in exchange for a literal Golem.

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Darius Kay and a representation of the trade replacement playing striker for the Hatchets

“Look honestly, no one is going to know the difference,” said Graves. “Golems don’t eat anything and I can’t afford to keep feeding Darius after games, the man is hungrier than Patrick Jay’s Hummer rip-off.”

While not confirming from where Graves sourced a magically animated anthropomorphic conglomeration of clay and stone, it has played well for the Hatchet’s with the TAB. The team’s odds for finishing in first place this season are now at $1.01.


Hatchet’s defeat Acacia Ridge MBC, securing third on the table

The generally disapproved  APPROVED AND WIDELY LOVED decision by Graves to trade Darius for an obedient stone husk proved to be invaluable in last Friday’s game against Acacia Ridge’s B team, MBC. Heading into half time at 0-0, the Hatchet’s were walking a tightrope of falling into old patterns allowing soft goals through the midfield. However, as quick as he is to offer drinks off the pitch, manager Tej Sidhu was as quick to offer words of wisdom and delivered a half-time speech that could have put Gordon Gekko to shame.

With new-found motivation, as well as two strikers who may not pass league rules, the Hatchet’s midfield imposed their dominance on the pitch. With many complaints to the referee, MBC yielded to the physically dominating play, mostly under threat of Golem. Devastating runs from new midfielder and male model, Kenny Hunt, with a quick offload put defender Andrew Welch within striking distance early in the second-half. Ten yards outside the box, Welch launched a right-footer over the keeper in the top right, to put the Hatchets into the lead early in the second half.

Shortly after this first goal, the floodgates opened. With Edey finding the head of Darius GOLEM in the box, pushing the lead to 2-0 early in the second. This was followed up briefly by a left wing run from Edey, with a shocking shot underneath the goal keeper from the edge of the box. Suddenly the Med Eleven had a strong lead.

While conceding several goals, the complaints from MBC eventually got under the skin of the Referee. In retaliation to the complaints, the ref decided it would be fair if the Hatchets were reduced to 10 men and presented Hatchet’s midfielder Moonie Singh with a blue card for falling over.

Despite the man disadvantage, the offence from Darius AN ACTUAL GOLEM continued. Yet another piece from Kenny led to a grounded cross into the box. Carrying three defenders in his shoulders, the Golem found foot to ball a few yards from the goal – tearing a hole in the back of the net and putting the Hatchet’s to 4-0.

With the Hatchet’s finally finding form in the season and starting to look like a formidable opponent in the Friday league, all that was left was to add insult to injury and increase the team’s GD on the ladder. In this spirit, defender and hair model John Zhang found himself on a counter in the opponent’s half. Pulling the defender to the left, Zhang slipped the ball on to the left foot with the grace of a corner dealer, before placing a nasty shot to the bottom right of the goal. Final score: 5-0.

With this win, the Hatchet’s have staked spot sitting third on the SEQ Football League ladder. With rivals ‘Old Bridge’ sitting in first place and three teams within two points of the boys, the next few games will be crucial in holding a top-four finish for the med in red.

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This Friday the Hatchet’s take on War Pig’s United, who sit eleventh on the table. Stay tuned.

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Hatchet’s Cleave Logan Bogans

“Bring that psychiatrist over here! One session with me, I tell you what, he’ll be right messed up” – Slacks Creek’s best player and coach after ?? beers on the sideline.

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Friday night saw the Hatchet’s claim a convincing 4-2 win over the Creek Sockatoos at Slacks Creek (we don’t know where it is either don’t worry). The game started with the Hatchet’s favourite referee from 2017 telling both captains that he ‘really isn’t feeling it tonight’ and that we should all just ‘have a beer and take it easy’.

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Hatchet’s Lineup

Shortly after, the Hatchet’s kicked off promptly to Nathan Sayer on the left wing. Asserting his prowess and dominance early, Nathan made a dynamite run down the left wing, before several quick passes with the centres put the Hatchet’s in the box early. To the Sockatoo’s credit, their scramble defence was effective and they managed to clear the ball. Shortly after, a good ball from Colin Greer down the wing put Daniel Edey in behind the defence line. Crossing in off the right boot, the Hatchet’s players were in position but the Sockatoos again managed to clear the ball. This was repeated for the first 15 minutes of the game.

Mounting in frustration from both teams, the Sockatoos managed to take dominant control of the midfield through similar strategies to Russia’s handling of the Mujahideen in the 1980s. That is, intimidation, threats against family members, and general destruction of everything within range. This midfield control switched early possession in favour of the Sockatoos, with the Hatchet’s passing game falling apart for fear of their loved one’s lives.

Putting his cigarette out on Hatchet’s midfielder Josh Baker, the Sockatoo’s bearded lynchpin transition midfielder worked the ball to the right winger in the 23rd minute. This play became a staple of the Sockatoo’s offense where, much like Russia in Afghanistan in 1985, they made several quick attacks down the right side.

After another midfield transition, the Sockatoos caught the Hatchet’s retreating like the Afghanistan military in 1979 and launched an offensive through their right winger. Working past Hatchet’s defender Andrew Welch, who was busy trying to decipher the unintelligible drivel being spewed from the Sockatoo bench, the Sockatoo winger launched a deadly cross into the Hatchet’s box. Deflected by keeper Graves, the Sockatoo striker found foot to ball and put Slacks Creek up 1-0.

Dejected, intimidated and endlessly frustrated, the Hatchet’s turned to their warcry of old:

“It’s still nil all boys!!” cried Emporer Graves, more out of threat than encouragement.

Rallying like the foreign mercenaries against the Soviets, the Hatchet’s found themselves in a good position after kick-off. Quick work down the left wing put Nathan in a striking position in the box. His left foot shot was deflected down but found Hatchet’s striker Darius in the box. With his back to the goal, Darius turned onto his right, released a ball into the bottom right corner of the goal and satisfied Emporer Graves. It was 1-1.

Unfortunately, the Sockatoos had similar ideas. Quickly redoubling their dominance in the middle, they shut down the Hatchets. The usual Hatchet’s game of quick passing, attacking through balls and crosses into the box ceased. The Hatchet’s found themselves intimidated by the militant tactics and threats against their loved ones.

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Sockertoo’s bench after every call by the referee

The usually strong midfield was sorely missing no-show Moonraj Singh, who was enjoying single life that night. Wing control was relinquished to the opponents and all talk on the pitch was quiet enough that the mindless dribble of the Sockatoo’s bench warmers was all that could be heard.

This was made worse in the 30th minute when another attack down the right-wing lead to a nasty cross into the Hatchet’s box. This cross found the head of the Sockatoo’s centre, beating keeper Graves and putting the home side ahead 2-1.

For the Hatchet’s the half time talk would be of great importance.

“Look guys, I’m pissed off. This is garbage. If we lose to these guys I don’t know what I’ll do, but you won’t like it.” motivated Graves. “Our next training session will look like Afghanistan after the Soviet retreat if we don’t get it together!”

Needless to say, the pep talk was effective. Early in the second half, winger and all-round-great-guy Dan Edey lifted the left wing, making several aggressive plays into the Sockatoo’s defense line without the ball. The Hatchet’s midfield slowed the play, took control, and regained possession. With control of the midfield returned to Hatchet’s, the Sockatoo’s midfield tiring and their bench turning on the referee, the Hatchet’s looked convincing.

In the 45th minute, Nathan – who had been fouled so many times that Oprah has started organising a charity event ‘Justice for Nathan’ – decided to take matters into his own hands. After the Sockatoo’s winger aimed a throw-in directly at his face from two yards and then attempted to perform a full-nelson suplex on him, Nathan gained possession of the ball and dribbled past the entire Sockatoo’s team twice – out of spite. To finish his run he filed a nasty left-footer under V for ‘vengeance’ in the bottom left of the goal. Two-all. The game was tied. Graves smirked.

Rallying, the Hatchet’s maintained possession and consolidated quickly. A left-wing play from Matthew Yousef lead to a pass to the flying eagle Tej Sidhu in the box. Taking fourteen deflected shots on goal, Tej eventually found a gap and slipped the ball into the net in what was, objectively speaking, the worst goal in football history.

At this point, the Sockatoo’s team turned on itself. A clever move from striker Colin found his knee colliding with the Sockatoo’s winger, turning his kneecap to dust. With their player out it was time for the Sockatoo’s MVP and toughest bench warrior to take the pitch, which he did in a very loud and generally distasteful manner. Within two minutes of taking the pitch the Sockatoos professional mouth-runner #7 decided it was a good idea to taunt Hatchet’s defender Rocky, after Rocky was brought down from behind.

Running twenty yards to laud over Rocky – who was still on the ground – he let out his war cry: “Get up you pussy! What a dive!” This would see the first of three yellow cards for the night, mostly because the referee ran out of good comebacks.

Avenging his fallen comrade, Nathan decided to make another devastating run past the entire Sockatoo’s team. Nathan concluded this run with a curling left-foot strike into the bottom left corner. This strike was apparently so devastating that resident defender and psychiatrist Bjorne reported today that two of the Sockatoo’s defenders have been admitted for psychiatric management. It also put the Hatchet’s further in front, 4-2.

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Re-creation of the Soccertoo’s team after Nathan’s second goal.

It was at this point that the Hatchet’s parked the bus. Resorting to a 6-2-2 formation, the Herston Reds deflected all remaining assaults and consolidated their 4-2 win. After the game the Creek Sockatoo’s were seen at the clubhouse, drinking warm beer in complete silence, abjectly defeated.

With this win the Hatchet’s slither into third position on the ladder behind old rivals Old Bridge. More to come; bring money.

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Hatchets achieve 1st win of the season

It was a damp, wet, and moist night at the Spanish Centre in Acacia Ridge. In the darkness, a single fan stood to watch her favourite team, as the Hatchet’s established dominance over their opponents.

Already plagued by injuries the Hatchets claimed the first victory of their campaign with a 4-2 win over Southside Punjabi to see themselves elevated into 3rd place on the ladder. It was a tough victory for the team with the recent string of injuries. The team hopes and prays that starting centreback, Eric Shuffle, will overcome his pulled plantaris and pulled palmaris, but hope remains elusive as he continues to deadlift before every game.

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Second-in-command Tej (puppet to Emperor Graves) developed a sophisticated new lineup, which saw 4 goals all from different players. The first goal was a much-deserved penalty as Josh Baker suffered a gruesome push in the back in the box that resulted in a T8 vertebral fracture. He subsequently converted that PK and out the Hatchets up 1 – 0. He would have gone to the hospital, but fear for his family’s life from Emperor Graves saw those plans destroyed.

Later on, in the first half, the Hatchets saw another goal. Little known to the entire squad, first-year Austin can run and dribble . . . at the same time. He managed to dribble past every player on the opposing team including the players on the bench and then dribbled into the goal. He would have kept running and dribbling after he scored but was eluded by the net. His long, head down, no pass run saw the Hatchets go up 2 – 0 in the first half.

On the other end of the field, Graves, confident in his team’s ability to win the game let in a goal to simply make things more interesting. Needless to say, it was a very popular decision as is every single decision he makes . . . or else.

At the start of the 2nd half, the boys were ready to go home. Tej, sick of being a puppet and planning a coup d’état decided to win himself some political leverage and scored a beauty after beating the keeper one on one. TBA when coup will take place. Hatchets up 3 – 1.

Goalkeeper Graves, again, thought, “let’s make this game more interesting” decided to let another goal in. The team was elated with this decision as they love making games close and stressful. Hatchets still up 3 – 2.

Munraj Singh, wary of his impending doom and return to Tinder, took the ball off of Darius and screamed at him, “LEAVE!”  and scored for himself. Replay footage revealed that Darius was point blank in front of an open net and could have scored easily if not for his own teammate, Munraj. With that goal, the Hatchets went up 4 – 2 and took home a win and a good goal differential.

The Hatchets are back on this Friday at 8:15 pm at Usher Park against Slack Creek. Tickets are still available, but supplies are limited.

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Hatchet’s New Squad Force Tie in Round 1

It was morning. The Pacific sun blasted against the corrugated iron sheeting acting as a roof, tied to the top of four crooked bamboo poles. The iron audibly crackled and creaked under the oppressive sun, beneath it the air had become a sauna. We hadn’t slept; training took priority. Lex, a Fijian local who had taken to helping us survive our island retreat, fished Gatorade from an eski and offered them around. Far above us the Union Jack ruffled in the breeze, a reminder than no matter where you go the oppression of British colonialism beat you there.

How did we get here? What was the meaning of all this? Weeks spent on a Pacific Island exposed to the sun, wind and rain, all in the name of football? Pre-season training was definitely underway. Emporer Graves decided to mix things up this season and sent the entire Hatchet’s squad to a summer intensive on a secluded Island with crack Fijian rugby coaches.

“This year no team will push any Hatchet’s player off the ball.” Graves was heard saying. Whether the strange off-season training would be effective would be shown when the season started.


The first test of the Hatchet’s summer preparation came in round 1 of the South East Queensland Division 1 football league last Friday, 13 April. Lining up against a new side, Brisbane Youth FC, the boys looked strong. Brisbane Youth FC showed good ball control, holding possession well in the midfield whenever they got the ball. Fortunately the Hatchet’s side were strong enough after their off-season rugby protocol to rarely lose the ball. Out of frustration Brisbane Youth found the Hatchet’s weakness – slide tackles to the back. Fortunately for Youth FC, the referee was not up to date with the rules and called ‘play on’ while Andrew Bennie was carried off the field after a nasty slide tackle in the back in the tenth minute.

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Hatchet’s line up for Round 1.

Quickly the match reached a stalemate. Youth FC held good ball control transitioning from defence to the midfield but were not able to launch a successful attack past the Hatchet’s seemingly indestructible defensive line-up. The golden head of Rockie Kang, the indomitable dominance of Eric Phillips, the perfect decision making of John Zhang, the… the Irishness of Patrick Jay; the defensive line was unbeatable.

Unfortunately, the fitness of the Hatchet’s was found lacking. The boys were unable to turn their quick wing plays and stabbing centre runs into a result. The match was deadlocked at nil-all by half-time.

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Singh’s latest album ‘Hide yo slams’ cover art. Permissions from Def Jam.

A cracking round of half-time speeches found the Hatchet’s re-focused returning to the field for the second half. The boys played slower,aimed for more midfield control, and began to control the speed of the game. The Hatchet’s looked good until the 65th minute, when Moonie Singh, who is currently on a loan contract from Def Jam Records (where he is the top up-and-coming mixtape feature artist), performed a legal tackle that was deemed a little too effective. He was given ten minutes in the bin to think about what he had done. Or maybe the referee just doesn’t like his music.

During those ten minutes, Youth FC were awarded a free-kick against Alex Graves for a lovely save outside the box in which his hands did not contact the ball. Apparently goal-keepers must use their hands at all times, this is a new rule for SEQ Football. This free-kick was converted off a rebound. 1-0 to Youth FC.

Despite the injustice, the Hatchet’s did not miss a beat. Redoubling their quick middle strikes, Nathan Sayer was in position when an awry back-pass from Youth FC found its way to his feet. Nathan ‘Captain Closer’ Sayer did not miss a beat and slipped the ball into the open net.

1 – 1

With two minutes to go, the Hatchet’s maintained control of the ball and tried to consolidate the game into a last-minute win. However, on weary legs, frustrated, and thinking back to the fun in the sun of pre-season, the boys could not execute. The game finished one-all. The coaching staff are happy with the effort for the new Hatchet’s squad in not losing points in the first game.

Result

Final result for round 1. Hatchet’s pull a single point leaving them in the centre of the table.

This Friday the boys will be playing Southside Punjabi at Acacia Ridge. We wish them luck. Stay tuned for updates on the upcoming intra-mural grudge match between UQ Med, UQ Law and EQ Economics.

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Last game of home and away.

The Herston Hatchets have suffered their third successive loss, and can now hit the finals full of inertia.

It was a simple equation for the Hatchets in their final game. Win and get a second chance in the finals, lose and enter sudden death. However, lifelines are for the weak and feeble, and here at the Hatchet’s we are neither weak, nor feeble. Except Adam. Adam is very feeble. Bless.

The tactical 5-3 loss by the Hatchets against their old rivals, The Bolsheviks, means the Hatchets end their season in fourth position.

The high quality game was played under the shadow of the highway at FR Caterson Park. The Hatchets had a many core players either injured or taking “leave” to visit their “wife and small child” in “America”. Some would call these excuses poor, but not this humble reporter. He would describe them as a monstrous betrayal, akin the Gondor betraying Rohan when the Westfold fell. Key defender Tim Thorne was “sick”, and clearly didn’t get the team doctor’s prescription for a cup of cement in time.

This is to take nothing away from the Bolsheviks, who played a very strong passing game seasoned with some outrageous finishes. The first goal to put the Bolsheviks 1-0 up was from outside the 18 yard box and careered of the post back into the net.

The Hatchets created many of their own chances, but were unable to capitalise on the majority. This lack of conviction can only be explained by one thing. A lack of faith in the Communist ideal. Some good finishes by Moonie Singh and Andrew Grapejuice kept the score line respectable, but the result was never in doubt after half time.

The Hatchet’s must now address key holes in their game strategy before the sudden death this Friday. Seizing the means of production, equal wages for all workers, and disrupting the status quo are all valid tactics. There are also calls for Emperor Graves to impose stricter immigration laws to ban key players like Donald Chang from visiting their families in the future.

Fans can expect the Hatchets to play with gusto this Friday at CJ Greenfield Park. Tickets are still available.

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Hatchets break the EFA Boiz

Night fell quiet, frost fell upon the grass and the Hatchets boys fell into Middle Earth Bethania. The players from the earlier game were still on the pitch, red and blue clad livestock stomping the icy ground until the final whistle, moving like cattle to the sheds for warmth. This whistle signalled to the boys from UQ that it was time. Emperor Graves put his phone away as it chimed victory in Clash of Clans, Tej worked over his black handbook of insults, Sam Grace polished the instep of his right boot, Tim Thorne folded away his favourite cardigan, Adam Beasley said a prayer over Logan’s right ankle, Dan Edey closed Tinder. As one, the boys walked down the clubhouse steps in time and lined up on the pitch.

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Herston Hatchet’s line-up

Looking at the opposition, the Afghani EFA Boyz, they would be the last bastion of international enforcements before the Hatchet warriors completed their conquest. Boys they were, old enough to be cocky in victory and young enough to not have suffered defeat – the only cure for arrogance. A cure the UQ Medicine students would be happy to provide.

The referee progressed to the middle of the pitch with the pace of the Hobbits across Mordor (if you didn’t read the books, it took an entire 500-page book).
“Alright boys, let’s have a clean game” he said. “Say one word to me and you’re off. Say ‘mine’ instead of your name and you’re off. Say anything besides your name and you’re off. Look at me and you’re off. In fact, screw this game you’re all off” he said, becoming visibly panicked and turning for the sideline.

Sjors Plugge, who was starting on the sideline, took a few moments to approach the referee, calm him down and talk him back onto the pitch as both teams waited in position. A deft hand like I’ve never seen, the Dutch Bomber has been taking notes from Rusty Hatchet Bjorne on psychiatry.

With that the starting whistle blew. And then another, penalty to the EFA Boys. Trey kicked-off from the wrong side of the line.

The EFA boys drove the ball high into the Hatchet’s box. Whistle. EFA’s striker called for the ball: “MINE”.

Rocky Kang cleared the penalty back into the EFA Boy’s half. EFA’s head back. Moonie controls it. Quick pass to Grace on the right wing. Tackle. Ball is out. Grace lines up to throw it in. Whistle. Grace is two-metres off the mark.
Throw in to Trey. Whistle. Trey’s foot came too high, 2 feet off the ground, although not high enough to clear Trey’s waist it was in-fact head-height of the EFA defender.

And so went the first ten minutes.

After the referee had worked out what rules he wanted to put into practice, and the players had figured this out through trial and error, the Hatchet’s made their first strike through the EFA defence. A corner by Donald landing right in the centre of the box. Edey kicks it into an EFA defender in a volley attempt (for which he does not ask for assist credit), the ball deflected out to a calm Rockie Kang. Kang swings his right leg, arced high, straight line pushing the ball along the ground, bottom left. Goal.

It was barely five more minutes until the Hatchet’s were to strike again. With dominating possession, consistent field position, the Hatchet’s were in total control of the game. Positioned just outside the opposition 18-yard box, Moonie found a pass in and then found a gap between the remaining two EFA defenders. Having no time to react as the ball cleared his centre defenders, the EFA keeper could not reach to his right in time and Moonie’s shot found the bottom left corner.

With this the first half would end 2-0 towards the Hatchet’s. However, not wanting to get cold or bored, neither team left the pitch for the half-time break. After many complaints by the referee about his blood sugar and about needing a rest, the teams managed to coax him back on to start the second half immediately.

Five minutes into the second half, Dan Edey made a dastardly run down the left wing only to be aggressively and completely unabashedly slide tackled by the opposing winger. Of course being completely unscathed and mostly disappointed about a wasted run down the wing, Edey appealed to the referee with the intensity of a losing Indian cricket captain bowling finger spinners on a flat Australian pitch. The EFA winger was sent to the bin for ten minutes.

Gaining the advantage of being 11 vs. 10 men, the Hatchet’s leading slander MVP, Tej Sidhu, decided to not let up. Consulting his black book of insults, Tej whipped out a beastly call against an EFA defender. Not a single member of the EFA player’s family was spared, and no expense was avoided in verbally, emotionally, morally and constitutionally destroying the player. The hit was so conclusive that the player immediately went to ground. Not hearing the insult from his chair on the side of the pitch, the referee assumed Tej must have hit the player and instantly displayed the Hatchet’s man a red card, the first of the season for the boys from Herston. The teams were tied at 10-10 (players).

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Tej’s big black book of insults. Studied more than Robbins and put into practice more regularly than Talley & O’Connor.

Having scored early, as seems to be the warrant of the Herston Hatchets, the boys simply bunkered down for the entire second half. With the 11th EFA Boi returning after ten minutes, all Hatchet’s players were pulled into defence for almost the entirety of the second half. With strong defence and even stronger communication, the Hatchet’s were impenetrable.

After 20 minutes of defending, the EFA Boiz made yet another error. Being slow on returning to defence in their offensive complacency, Trey and Sam were able to get the ball to half-way, line up some quick one-two passes to work it into the box, where Trey would slot the ball past a cold and bored EFA goal keeper, further sealing the Hatchet’s towards the inevitable 3-0 victory.

With this win, the Herston Hatchets have solidified their place at the top of the division 1 ladder with only two weeks remaining in the normal season.

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SEQ Football Division 1 Ladder

 

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Hatchets return with 3-1 victory after 5-week mystery absence

Live updates from Hatchets’ reporter on Friday Night:

5:30pm: Moonie Singh has started weeping about the impending doom of the ethics exam, for which he has failed to prepare.

5:45pm: Semester one ethics exam final commences.

6:27pm: Alex Graves forgets the difference between ‘Utilitarian ethics’ and ‘Kantian ethics’; Alex loses 10 marks due to his confusion.

6:46pm: A riot breaks out as students try to evacuate the ethics examination room in the 2 minute exit-window before the lock-in occurs in the final 30 minutes of exam time.

7:28pm: Dan Edey arrives at the Eagles soccer park, ready for the Hatchets’ game at 8:30.

8:15pm: Hatchets’ striker and all-round-good-guy Trey McHale buys a round of Tooheys Extra Dry – his 8th for the evening. Trey has been shouting beers since exiting the exam despite concerns from other Hatchets’ players – “Maybe we should get to the game” says Adam Beasley.

8:28pm: The remaining 13 Hatchet’s players join Edey at the soccer pitch. “Where was my invite to the pub?” asks social leper Dan Edey.

8:35pm: The Hatchets take the pitch only 5 minutes late, with a total of 9 jerseys between 14 players; Colin Greer finishes his tactical vomit.


 

Last Friday night (16 June) saw the Hatchets tackle two milestones in their illustrious careers. The first was the completion of the semester one exam block, which for some Hatchets was the first of their medicine careers. The second milestone was having the first recorded game for the Hatchets in the last 5 weeks, with the results from previous weeks mysteriously disappearing from record. With a strong showing from the Med XI, and an almost as strong showing from the Med XI jerseys, the boys notched a dominating win over Manny Blacks in front of a record breaking crowd (shout out to the growing supporters).

Lineup-16-6

Hatchets’ lineup-ish

Playing a very fluid formation – partially due to the increasing team-cohesion of this seasons’ Hatchets roster and partially due to the increasing BAC of many players on the pitch – the Hatchets’ kicked off this match up with dominant possession in the centre and reliable ticcy-tac plays setting up deep runs down the wings. This style of play generated points for the Hatchets early, with a shirtless Michael Gibney making a 30-metre run with the ball, Braveheart style, into the 5 yard box before making a term-deposit in the bottom right corner past the Manny Blacks’ keeper.

This play saw the Manny Blacks get frustrated early but having a new, shiny referee who made fair and equitable calls, much to the regard of Immanuel Kant, the Hatchets were able to rely on any unsportsmanlike play being pulled up. A strong defensive line-up headlining 329 one-on-one tackles made by Rocky “Johnny Turk” Kang continued throughout the first half to block the over-the-top style of attack the Manny Blacks were launching. This put the Hatchets in a great position to close the second half ahead, more so as they were able to consolidate their lead after a quick pass-back on the 18 yard box by Logan to Donald Chang who, seeing Gibney’s fiscally responsible deposit earlier, purchased some 5-year bonds in the bottom right corner of the goal, leaving the Manny Blacks’ keeper deep in recession.

Half-time saw the 2-0 up Hatchets in good spirits, with their supporters drinking less-good spirits. Coach Graves had this to say at half time.

“Yeah man the last five weeks have been pretty bad. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get any matches in two years when I go back but at least it’s over now. What’s that? Soccer game? No no that was earlier we’re heading to Rics now. Second-half? Oh shit they’ve kicked off already”. Graves refused to comment on how many pints he had.

The Hatchets began the second half with one goal: to score one goal. This target was briefly undermined early in the half with the Hatchets’ defensive line being outnumbered on the left wing, allowing the Manny Blacks’ striker to receive a good through ball and take out a large loan from the bottom left corner of the Alex Graves National Bank. Hatchets’ captain and Melbourne-street-fighter Tej “Meet me in the parking lot” Sidhu knew in this dire situation he had to throw off the Manny Blacks’ offense, which was gaining momentum. To accomplish this he waited until one of the Manny Blacks’ players said anything, to which Sidhu replied “why don’t you say that to my face?”. The opposition, looking for any fight given that it was Friday night and the game was eating into his Valley time, took the bait and humoured Tej with a brief front-up before the excellent referee broke up the exchange and told Tej “Collingwood sucks”. Tej, heartbroken, returned to position.

Killing enough time for the Hatchets to stay in front, the score stayed locked at 2-0 until the closing minutes. Earning a corner, Hatchets’ centre Donald Chang floated a lay-up into the centre of the box. Coming down right on the head of Trey McHale. Trey expertly invested the cross in Forex in the top left of the Manny Black goal, closing the game at 3-1 to the Hatchets.

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